


something right

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: "Everyone points andwhispers about us.We must be doingsomething right."(asofterworld)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 25
Kudos: 182
Collections: phandomficfests: a softer world





	something right

_"And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that..."_

*

Phil's legs are bony under Dan's butt but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be sitting anywhere else; he doesn't want anyone else sitting here. He wants to claim these bony legs and knobby knees, wants to rub his scent all over this boy and his stupid hot plaid shirt and smear his drawn on whiskers right up. 

Dan's thrumming with it, that wild possessive thing that unfurls within him sometimes, just every now and then. 

Phil's arms tighten around his waist. He's talking to someone else and Dan hopes it looks casual, hopes they look like they do this all the time and not like they met for the first time in real life not even two weeks ago. He wants the people watching them to think this spot on Phil's lap is fucking made for him. 

He catches someone looking - a girl with shaggy black hair and exaggerated eyeliner. Her eyes widen briefly when she realizes he's caught her staring and she looks away. 

He settles back against Phil's chest, satisfied. 

*

Dan's drunk and everything looks like swirls of colors. 

He wonders if this was a bad idea. What is he thinking, acting like he's on the same level as the other people in this room? 

If he said that to Phil, Phil's feelings would be hurt. 

He doesn't get that when Dan says things like that he only really means them about himself. Phil deserves to be here. Phil belongs here. He's the best fucking creator on the platform. He's been doing it for years. He has a goddamn degree from university in editing videos. 

He's still the best, most creative, most talented person Dan's ever known. 

And Dan's just... 

What is he? 

A university drop out who lets his boyfriend's parents pay the rent. 

A fucking coward who is so afraid and angry at everything around him that he feels like it's choking him sometimes. 

"Dan," Phil says. 

He looks concerned, and a little wobbly. 

Or maybe Dan's the wobbly one? 

Dan puts his hand out and lets the wall steady him. 

Nope, it's definitely Phil wobbling. 

"You're drunk," Dan says, petulant and accusatory even though there's no reason Phil should still be sober while Dan's also drunk. 

Phil frowns at him and Dan wants to tell him to stop being so fucking cute while Dan's working himself up to a mood. 

But he doesn't want to be in a mood, and he doesn't actually want Phil to stop being cute. He wants to enjoy being in Florida and having people look at him like he's worth something when that's the last thing he feels. He suddenly feels tears prick at his eyes and then Phil's hand on his shoulder, hovering slightly before cupping the round point of it. "Dan?" 

Dan sniffles a little. There aren't any tears falling, but he doesn't it anyway. "I feel weird." 

"Oh, Dan." Phil's voice holds a multitude of things and every single one of them makes Dan want to curl up right into his arms. Alcohol really does a fucking number on him. It's the same realization he makes every single time he drinks. Maybe one day he'll actually figure that out before the point of no return. 

"I'm alright," he says, remembering where they are and glancing all around. 

One of the girls Phil knows, a pretty brunette, catches his eye and waves at him. Before he knows it she's making her way through them, crooked smile widening. 

"Boys!" Her voice is exuberant and, yes, she's definitely drunk, too. "What are you doing hiding away over here? Me and Joey were just wondering where you were off to! Didn't know if they’d like, snuck away to-" 

"Cat," Phil says, dropping his hand away from Dan's shoulder and then reaching out to pat hers. It's endearingly awkward. "It's good to see you again." 

"You know it is." She sounds flirtatious, and Dan hates it a lot. She catches sight of the expression on Dan's face and misreads it conveniently. "You don't look so hot. Overdid it?" 

"I'm fine," he says, crossing his arms over his chest. Then he realizes that maybe being ill from drinking is better than saying he's having an emotional breakdown. "Maybe a bit." 

"Aw," she says, poking her bottom lip out. "You're such a baby, I'm not surprised." 

He definitely bristles at that. He's twenty, for fuck's sake. She can't be that much older than him. 

"He's twenty," Phil says. "A verified adult." 

She giggles. It's an obnoxious sound. "Sure, okay, whatever you say." 

"Anyway," Phil says, putting his hand on Dan's arm. "We're going to go to the... up. Rooms? To the rooms?" 

"You guys got your own rooms?" Cat sounds blatantly jealous. "I'm sharing with my friend who works for Playlist, she couldn't even get her own." 

"No," Phil admits. "They put us together, too. We're going to go up to the room." 

"Good plan," she says, then does a half spin around pointing outward before turning back to him. "I'm gonna... go... there. Get my dance on." 

"You do that," Phil says, laughing. 

Everything sounds so pleasant when he says it. 

"And you take care of your boy there." Cat smiles sympathetically at Dan. "You're lucky you've got a Phil. Eileen already split, I'm gonna be stumbling back on my own at three am." 

"It's already six am for us," Phil says. "So I'm tired anyway." 

She starts to wander off before he's even done talking, and Dan isn't sad to see her go. He and Phil make their way out. Dan's whole body releases some of the tension wiring him up as the loud thumping music fades into something quiet the further away from the party they get. 

He and Phil bump into each other every few steps. Dan's feet feel steadier now, but maybe he just likes how it feels. 

*

He wakes up in their bed, in this London flat they've lived and fought and fucked and loved in for almost two years now, and sees the look on Phil's face. 

"What?" he asks, voice hollow and thick with sleep. 

"It's nothing," Phil says, putting his phone on the nightstand, face down. 

Must be very bad then, Dan reckons. 

He squeezes his eyes shut tight. 

"Just a tweet someone else made." Phil's trying to be helpful, but he's really not. "It's nothing." 

"About us?"

"Yeah," Phil says. 

"What." 

"It's." Phil clears his throat. "It's stupid." 

"Phil."

"It's... they're tweeting about. You know. The video." 

Dan groans and rolls over, burying his face in the pillow. He wonders if it'll ever not tie him in knots. If it'll ever not make him want to sick or scream or punch something. 

Phil's quiet is also nauseating. It's the worst thing about this particular sore spot, how Phil just reeks of guilt every time it gets brought up. 

So Dan tries not to be a dick about it. He tries to shield Phil from how much it fucks him up. 

"The usual twatwaffles?" he asks, rolling back over. 

"Yeah." Phil is so, so quiet. 

"Fuck them up the arse with a rusty spork," Dan announces, sitting up. He can feel Phil's eyes following him. "What do you want for breakfast?" 

Phil waits just a little too long to reply. "Just cereal." 

"I heard muffins," Dan says. He's already stepping into some jeans, not even bothering with pants underneath. "And Starbucks." 

"Dan-" 

He just needs a few minutes. "I'll go grab them, yeah? And we can have breakfast and watch something." 

Phil's sigh sounds defeated. "Yeah. Alright." 

Dan hesitates with his eyes on the door, then turns around and walks back over to the bed. He looks down at Phil with his bed head and his bare chest and his caged-animal eyes and then leans down to give him a solid, reassuring kiss on the mouth. "I love you." 

Phil's hands reach up and loosely grasp Dan's upper arms. "Love you, too. "

Dan gives him one more kiss, smaller and softer. "I'll get you the double chocolate chip." 

Phil smiles. "That sounds really good." 

*

Basking in the post-show high, Dan remembers why he thought a second tour was a good idea. 

He feels alive in ways nothing can usually make him feel besides a really good Dominos or a spectacular orgasm, except this time there's no post-pizza bloat and it lasts a whole lot longer than it takes to come. 

Maybe that's what he's feeling when he has Phil take the picture, when he types the caption out, when he sends it off into the great wilderness of greedy hands and giddy fans. 

He knows people will like it. He likes that they'll like it. It's something he has the power to reign in if he needs to, but it feels safe within a comfort zone that grows and grows every year. 

Phil's smile is soft as he sees it, and then they're too busy enjoying their food and watching a show and having a cuddle. Dan has the feeling that if anyone from the outside saw them right now, they'd look like every fan fiction depiction of cuteness and fluff and he doesn't fucking care. Of course the day wasn't perfect, there were a couple of issues with the show, a few things he'll overthink tomorrow when the shine has worn off. 

There will be points in the tour where he's sick and exhausted and they're both pissy, where they retreat to separate corners and just need to fucking breathe, where they aren't sure what sort of boundary to draw or how much to keep to themselves. 

But it feels good. It feels like it's something that's going to be okay and as he rests his head more comfortably in the soft part of Phil's shoulder and rests a hand across his slight pooch of a food belly and breathes in a freshly showered Phil, he feels like it's all going to be okay. 

*

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Phil asks, voice quiet. 

He's not discouraging Dan. He's just doing one of the things Phil does best. He’s trying to make sure Dan's thinks through every possible outcome before an act of impulsivity. 

He knows what it’s like when Dan doesn’t do that, when he’s left in the turmoil of regret over that impulsivity afterwards. 

Not that this is impulsive. 

It's actually the least impulsive thing he's ever done, he thinks. He's been working on this for a year. He's gone back and forth and up and down and all around the world carrying these ideas in his head. 

When he filmed the parts about Phil, he remembers looking at Phil across a camera setup and saying, "I can always edit it out later on." 

He didn't. Phil didn't ask him to. Phil didn't _want_ him to, and neither did Dan, and now it's part of this finished and polished and perfectly produced video. 

It's not within his power to make it any better than it is right now. He feels confident in that in a way he rarely does about anything. 

This video will make people talk. 

They'll talk about him. His family. They'll bring up all the lies he's told. They'll put his worst most hurting moments under the scrutiny of a new lens. They'll rally and celebrate and maybe mourn. They'll cheer for him and cry for him. 

They'll _know_. They'll see the parts of him he's kept away. 

They'll know the deep dark secret that everyone already knew; that he loves a man, one specific man. It's strange to understand in a logical way that this is not new information and yet be terrified down to the depths of his soul about giving it that validity. 

Side by side with terror is a jubilation of his own, though. 

They've talked it to death and back. What changes and what doesn't. 

"I am," he says to Phil, then sucks in a breath and publishes the video. 

Phil kisses him hard with both hands on Dan's face and Dan wraps his arms around Phil and clings to him like it's the only thing that'll save him from destruction of his own making. 

But then he laughs - giggles bubbling up from somewhere deep down and muffling into Phil's neck. God, he's fucking done it, he's really done it. 

"Love you," Phil whispers, over and over again. 

* 

It's a nothing tweet. 

A joke someone made about sex and towels and a total mess, one that made Dan snicker with a plethora of love splattered memories. 

He forwards the link to Phil, who lets out an amused snort.

"Liking it," Dan says, though he doesn't yet. 

He waits through a pause and Phil says, "Don't you think..." 

He trails off. Psychic boyfriend powers kick in immediately, supplementing intent where there were no actual words. 

Dan asks, "That okay?" 

"Fine with me." Phil quirks a surprised eyebrow and shrugs. "If it is with you?"

Fine with Phil, he's saying, if everyone sees and thinks that it's about them. 

Dan thinks about how many years of emotional agony he underwent, torturing himself with what strangers and non-strangers alike might think. 

He knows he's a confusing person, saying some things so very loudly and other things not at all. 

The shouts and whispers in his mind have convalesced into something more mellow now. There are some things he doesn't need to say while at the same time not feeling actual fear if they do slip out now and then. 

Sometimes he even likes it. They're not who they were ten years ago but it's a semblance of something he remembers from the start, pride. Yeah, AmazingPhil picked him, what of it? Yeah, he's going to spend the rest of his life with Phil Lester, _and_? with a perpetual internal smirk of victory.

He likes the tweet. 

*  
  
_"... which honestly, I take as a compliment."_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to sarah for beta reading <3
> 
> [read and reblog on tumblr!](https://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/611426241424261120/something-right-danphil-rated-t-23k-everyone)


End file.
